I have an autoimmune disease. I wish I could tell you which one(s) exactly but I have enough understanding to talk about it. I have over 18+ years trying to figure it out and I believe that my whole life (since June 22, 1982, I am in my early 20s for those of you who can’t do math) which has helped me gain experience to understand this situation. It’s not all bad. There was a long time I thought it was… but that has changed.
If you have or know someone who has had autoimmune disease you know that there are numerous kinds with impossible symptoms to track and often these issues are confused for emotional problems. I want to suggest that we stop separating emotional and physical. Anyone who has gone through the childhood experience of divorce knows what it feels like when mom and dad don’t talk. Separating our emotional hearts from our physical ones turns out to feel just as bad. Sure, I am glad that eastern and western medicine took some time to figure out their own shit and really get some isolated understanding of their function. Great! it’s time to get back together and try unify again. I think we can merge these two with more amazing results than mankind has ever experienced before. We have come so far individually, I am excited to see where we go together.
According to the assessments of my health I have low blood pressure, Hypoglycemia, chronic fatigue, Adrenal insufficiency or Addison’s Disease, undiagnosed endometriosis with a full assortment of cysts and lesions throughout my body, bowels and brain and some fused organs in my abdomen, a severely antroverted uterus and infertility sometimes, epstien bar, inability to handle stress, anxiety, depression, insomnia, irregular heart beat, mono w/ relapse, irregular weight gain and loss, emotional problems especially when I get my period, unreal sensitivity, and skin eruptions that coincide with my menstrual cycle.
But, if you know me you would say I am bright, talented, loving, generous, beautiful, powerful, gifted, spiritual, in-tune, intellectual, funny, smart, cosmically connected, feminine, masculine, tough, weak, sad, happy, in love, gracious, methodical, sick, healthy, short, tall, in control, out of control, courageous, pro-active, and overall a good person.
If you were my lover you might say I am also deeply beautiful, excessively talented, unfathomably sad, loving without expectation, caring, overly affectionate, highly sexual, giving, patient, and sometimes impossible but over all a one of a kind amazing woman.
My parents, aside from agreeing to all the above listed positive attributes (while somehow magically staying blind to my sexuality) clearly do so because they have to as parents… they might also include that I am as fragile as I am ferocious. They see me as valuable to the world and anticipate my life experience with as much fear as they do awe because they know when something’s wrong and they are hopeless to fix it. On the flip side they also know when something is right and are my greatest advocates.
And if you ask me who I am to myself, I’d ask if you just skipped the first part because all of that is true and I would add that I am miss understood.
Like Venus I find that my place in this world is riddled with paradox. Yes, I know I am beautiful and I want to be appreciated for my female form and the fertility associated with breasts, long hair, and curves but I find my beauty being as much a prison as it is my liberty and ultimately I doubt I am going to pay any attention to anyone who comes to cover me up. I’ll get dressed when I am ready and I would like to be appreciated for my sexuality just not by everyone. For now I am alone and unclothed. I experience the elements of life unfiltered and directly in my body without shade, cover, or deep emotional/physical kinship. But I am hopeful and looking far into the distance with anticipation. I pay no attention to the couple who is tangled and partly clothed because I want it for myself and seeing them would only add to my emotional misery as a reminder of what is missing. However, I love flowers and I’m so grateful that the couple showers me and pesters me with their breath to remind me there’s more to life than being beautiful, having a private half shell and a pristine seaside.
It’s time for me to leave my shell and to be understood.
For me the shell represents false beliefs within myself and the community I exist.
Those beliefs are stored in my body as emotional blocks. Read my posts about tetris if you need an object lesson and I’ll meet you back here. Those beliefs take time to surface, some I dig up and some take specific experiences. I believe when I am in tune I can anticipate blocks that are surfacing and experiences that may help or challenge me.
In fact, I have gotten so good at doing this as an individual that I would attribute myself with trust. I now trust myself with my own life. Cool right?
Well, Botecelli didn’t paint what happens to Venus when she steps off the shell. Hold on to your hat because I am going to write about that next. I believe that it’s wildly crazy, the weather is unpredictable, and there’s other beaches and Venuses and sometimes it rains men. It’s a cluster cuss of others who stepped induced by insanity and who walked freely from their stage. Just imagine billions of birds leaving the nest at the same time during scientifically proven global warming, economic crisis, and a possible peak in thousands of years of religious war and you are there. I am talking about chaos. I’m going to write about that next.
And welcome to all the new followers. If I unwittingly lead us down a path to no where I promise to be pleasant about it most of the time. If I lead us to a place we have never been I think we should split up, evaluate our new resources, share what we learn, and do something completely new together. Thank you for being here with me.